


it's not gay (the golden rule)

by localopa



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: ??? not really, Established Relationship, Gay denial, M/M, This Didn't Need To Be Written, crackfic, you'll see in the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 11:03:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15532830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/localopa/pseuds/localopa
Summary: it's not gay if you have socks on





	it's not gay (the golden rule)

**Author's Note:**

> so i was on tinder, as one is, and i saw this guy who's bio said "it's not gay if you have socks on." so this was born because of tinder, no spon. title is from 3 way (the golden rule) by the lonely island. enjoy.
> 
> xx oliver

“you’re joking.”

 

phil regrets every decision he has ever made, specifically starting with the one where he responded to a dm on twitter from dan. he’s walked in on him, a discarded lube bottle on the bed, and a nice sizeable dildo slowly coming out of dan’s ass.

 

he’s naked, save for a pair of socks.

 

we’ll get there.

 

they’ve lived together for years, it’s not like phil hasn’t walked in on this before. dan isn’t exactly quiet, which doesn’t help, and he never locks his bedroom door. they’re both cis dudes with ragings tudes and boners so, you would think, dan’s learned his lesson after being walked in on for, who knows, the thousandth time? 

 

the only thing that’s different from literally every other time that phil’s seen this almost exact scene is a pair of socks on dan’s feet.

 

so, like, phil’s seen porn. he knows in porn they do weird things. like a man will fuck a lady while she’s wearing thigh highs and heels. or a man will wear socks while getting head. the logistics behind this doesn’t make any sense. who wants to cum while wearing socks?

 

dan does. the fucking furry weirdo.

 

“no, i’m not,” the dildo is still IN HIS ASS and dan shifts so he just sits on it. what the fuck.

 

“so what you’re saying is, everything about this situation would be considered gay,” phil makes a vague gesture to dan’s bed, “but because you have socks on, it’s not?”

 

“exactly. see? your uni education is coming quite in handy.”

 

“that’s not how it works, dan.”

 

he rolls his eyes, rolling his hips and phil can’t believe this is his fucking life. “that’s exactly how it works, phil.”

 

“you have a dildo up your ass.”

 

“and?”

 

“you’re watching gay porn.”

 

“a lot of people watch gay porn.”

 

“you were  _ moaning my name.” _

 

dan snaps his fingers, finger gunning phil. “you got me there. but you see,” he motions to his socks, “it’s not gay.”

 

“it looks pretty gay to me, dan.”

 

in response, he rolls his eyes, getting up and the dildo slides completely out of his ass and onto the bed. phil could’ve not used that imagery. he gets off his bed, grabbing a pair of joggers to pull on and crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“i don’t see how it’s not gay for dudes in porn to wear socks but when i do it, it’s  _ gay _ and  _ you were moaning my name, dan,”  _ dan mocks phil’s northern drawl, popping a hip out.

 

“that’s because usually when the guys in porn are wearing socks, they’re fucking FEMALE WOMEN.”

 

“semantics,” dan waves him off. “it’s not gay if you wear socks.”

 

“it’s gay if you’re jerking off to the thought of a guy while you, yourself, are a guy.”

 

“but i’m wearing socks!”

 

phil groans loudly, slapping his forehead. “socks aren’t a god damn loophole, dan! you don’t wear a condom during sex and then claim to be a virgin because your dick hasn’t touched a vagina without rubber!”

 

“that’s very heteronormative of you to say and i resent that.”

 

phil gives up, stomps out of the room and into his own. he regrets every life choice he’s made since turning 22, starting with answering the dm of one dani snot on fire. that’s a little harsh, yeah, but then he wouldn’t have walked in on whatever  _ that  _ was and he’d still have his sanity.

 

he’d hope.

 

-

 

dan’s been squirming on the couch all night, and it’s distracting. he’s supposed to be editing a video of their gaming channel, and he can’t exactly do that if dan is across the room making whimpering sounds. well, technically he should be able to, because his boyfriend has a sex drive of a 13 year old who’s discovered jerking off for the first time. he has no less than five orgasms a week, whether it’s caused by phil or by himself.

 

(usually, it’s himself. phil’s only human and sex wears his poor 31 year old heart out too fast.

 

it’s also because if phil fucked dan as much as he wanted him to, then they’d get nothing done.)

 

they’re long overdue for a new video, of any kind really, and phil might’ve promised a new video when he was replying to fans. they filmed this video the other day, and he’s put it off until now because he’s a lazy piece of shit.

 

and planning a tour across the entire globe is a lot for someone to take on, so phil thinks he can get away with that as an excuse. 

 

he’s half way through not finishing a fucking sentence who leaves an unfinished sentence in a fic while they’re writing OLIVER. he’s half way through reviewing set designs when dan gets louder, legs pushing up against his thighs.

 

“are you okay dan?”

 

“no,” he huffs, crawling over to phil. or crawling over the best he can since he’s over six feet tall. “need you.”

 

phil sighs, looking over at the other with a bit of a glare. “i told you, not until i finish work.”

 

this prompts dan to just close his laptop. the fucker. “there, you’re done. now fuck me,” he pushes himself up to start kissing at phil’s neck, pulling on his shirt with one hand. “c’mon. when’s the last time you had this ass?”

 

“two nights ago when you used the same exact line on me,” phil mutters, leaning his head to the side to give dan more room. “‘sides, isn’t that gay?”

 

dan shakes his head. “nope, got me a loophole.”

 

“don’t tell me. yo-“

 

“i’m wearing socks.”

 

phil groans, trying to push dan off. “that’s not how it WORKS,” he tries to push him off again, this time successful.

 

“yes, it is! socks are like a gay condom. if you wear socks while having sex, then it can’t be gay!”

 

“that logic sounds even more stupid than the first time you told me.”

 

phil gets off the couch, grabbing his laptop and walking away. he needs to get their work done. 

 

“where are you going?”

 

“to do work! i don’t have time for the gay socks theory!” phil stomps out the room to be more dramatic, going to his own room. 

 

“it’s not a theory, it’s true!”

 

-

 

often times, they elect to sleep in separate beds. not because they’re mad at each other, mostly because they’re two tall men and most beds aren’t made for men of their size, let alone two. so sleeping in other beds means they can get the sleep they want, and when a cuddle is in need, they know where to find the other.

 

tonight’s one of those nights where they need a cuddle, especially after the gay socks fiasco. phil thought they would sleep separately, since he was kind of miffed about dan and his totally not gay socks theory he’s got going on. but somewhere in the middle of him falling asleep, the bed dips and a giant 6’3 teddy bear finds his way under his arms. 

 

“‘m sorry,” dan mumbles sleepily. 

 

“not mad,” phil says back, adjusting in the bed to accommodate dan.

 

dan settles into bed, and everything goes quiet for a while. phil is being lulled into slumber by dan’s breathing and he’s sure the same can be said for the other.

 

“in’it bit gay?” phil jokes before he hits full sleep mode, laughing groggily.

 

dan shakes his head, moving to rub his feet against phil’s leg. “not wearing socks.”

 

he fake gasps, kissing dan’s forehead. “blasphemy.”

 

“we’re going full homo.”

 

that makes phil laugh out loud, pressing a kiss to the other’s lips before settling back into bed. 

 

yeah, being dan howell’s boyfriend can be difficult, but he loves the fucker. even with his gay socks loophole. 

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @ astronomerhxwell


End file.
